Pronghorn, Chapter 21: Emails

Continued from the previous chapter, here.

Asa Pemewan closed the door behind him as he walked into the room that had been his and was again. I did not handle that well, he thought as he crossed to the small desk where his laptop was set up and opened it again. A flurry of fingers flew across the keyboard, waking the machine from its electronic slumber, and Asa navigated swiftly to his email account. Let’s see how many came in today.

Thirty-seven emails had, in addition to the spam and junk that accrued every day.

Asa opened the oldest. “Dear Asa,” it read, “We have received your application for the position of Visiting Assistant Professor, req98732. After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that we are not pursuing your candidacy any further at this time. We will retain your candidate file in our database and may inform you of job openings that match your profile if you selected this option. We also invite you to visit the Career Section on our Web site regularly.

“Thank you for your interest.”

Asa clicked “Delete” and moved on to the next.

“Dear Dr. Pemewan:

“Thank you for applying to the position of Assistant Professor of Fantasy and Science Fiction Literature. We had many strong candidates for the position, so making a decision was difficult, but we have offered the position to another candidate, and that candidate has accepted the offer. We invite you to apply for other openings at the institution, and we wish you the best of luck in your continued search.”

Asa clicked “Delete” again, his finger striking the button more forcefully. He pulled up another email.

“Dear Mr. Pemewan,

“We have received your application for the Administrative Assistant I position. While we appreciate the time and effort that went into applying, we cannot offer the position to you at this time. We hope you will apply for other positions with us, and we wish you well.”

Delete.  Another.

“Dear Mr. Pemewan:

“We have received your application for the Copywriter position at our Kerrville offices. Upon review, however, we find that you do not appear to have met the minimum qualifications for the position, so your application has not been referred to the hiring department.

“We hope you will have better luck in the future.”

No you don’t, assholes. Delete. Another.

“Dear Mr. Pemewan,

“Thank you for applying for the position of Billing Specialist for the City of Pronghorn.

“We greatly appreciated the response of so many applicants and your particular effort to inform us of your background and experience.  Although your qualifications are favorable, another applicant has been selected.

“We appreciate your interest in employment with the City of Pronghorn and wish you well in your search.

“Thank you once again for your time.”

“I bet,” said Asa, and clicked “Delete” again, pulling up another email.

“Dear Asa,

“Thank you for your interest in the Position: Teacher, Special Programs- Summer Bridge for Department: Pre-Engineering Program.

“After further review of the applicants and their qualifications, we’ve narrowed the applicant pool to candidates whose experience best matches the requirements of the position. Although you will not be considered for the position at this time, we encourage you to continue to check our jobs site for other positions.”

“Yeah, I bet you do want me to keep trying to prostitute myself to you.” Delete. Another email.

“Good morning Asa,

I would like to thank you for taking time to apply and interview for our Digital Writing position. After much deliberation among our leadership team, we have decided to alter our current marketing desires into another position entirely. It seems that recruiting a Technology Specialist will more precisely meets our needs.”

Of course. Delete. Yet another email.

“Dear Asa Pemewan

“Confirmation Number: CN000045269, Position Number: FP0186, Posting Title: Faculty (FY2016-17) – English Instructor

“It was a pleasure to review your background and experience with regard to our recent opening for the position of  Faculty (FY2016-17) – English Instructor. We have made an offer of employment to another candidate, and that offer has been accepted.  We had a number of highly qualified applicants from which to select, and that made the final decision most difficult.

“We appreciate the time and effort you expended in the process, and we appreciate your interest in employment with us. We wish you future success in fulfilling your personal and professional goals and encourage you to watch our web page for future opportunities.”

“Uh huh. Sure.” Delete. Still another email.

“Dear Mr. Pemewan,

“Thank you so much for taking time to come for a job interview for Library Aide for the City of San Antonio.

“We greatly appreciated the response of so many well qualified applicants and your particular effort to inform us of your background and experience.

“This was a difficult decision to make, however after careful consideration another applicant was selected.

“Again, thank you for the interest you have expressed in this position and in our community, and please accept our best wishes for the future.”

“I’d rather have accepted money and benefits, but, sure, whatever. Delete. Another email.

Same results. Another.

The same. Another.

And another.

And another.

And through the remaining emails, all thirty-seven, all saying “No, you can’t work here. It doesn’t matter that you can do everything the job asks for, and better than it asks for them to be done. It doesn’t matter that you will stay with a job that will stay with you–any job. It doesn’t matter that you are willing to relocate for the work.

“We do not want you.

“Nobody wants you.

“And nobody will.”

Asa made a few notes. I really didn’t expect anything different. And I still don’t, really. Thirty-seven more rejections got logged into the record he kept for such things. And that brings me up to, what, two hundred sixty-three. Must be a record.

Asa laughed, briefly and bitterly. At least it’s something to my credit.

Did I bring you as much pleasure as a pack of batteries does? Could you kick in as much for me as you pay for that so I can keep doing what you like? Click here, then, and thanks!

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